How to say no? How to deal with the guilt and shame you feel about setting boundaries?

How to deal with the push-back behaviors from others after set boundaries?

This episode will answer these questions and much more!

Guest Barb Nangle is a boundaries coach, speaker and the Founder and CEO of Higher Power Coaching and Consulting, LLC and host of the podcast, “Fragmented to Whole: Life Lessons from 12 Step Recovery.” 

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Barb Nangle is a boundaries coach, speaker and the Founder and CEO of Higher Power Coaching and Consulting, LLC and host of the podcast, “Fragmented to Whole: Life Lessons from 12 Step Recovery.”

In 2015 at the age of 52, after decades of therapy and tons of self-help work in a variety of areas, Barb found herself in 12-step recovery. She’s been in two such fellowships since then and has changed deeply and profoundly as a result. As a former addict and people-pleasing rescuer, she empowers people to thrive and take more control over their personal and professional lives by coaching them to build healthy boundaries.

She works with organizations in the helping professions, as well as women entrepreneurs to avoid burnout and reduce turnover. Her specialty is working with professional women who say yes when they really want to say no, and neglect themselves because they’re focused on others.

FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Hello, hello, beautiful souls. This episode is for you. If you’re looking to set better boundaries in life, and learn how to say no without feeling guilt.

And for that I have my special expert today, Barb Nangle. She is a boundaries coach, speaker and founder and CEO of higher power coaching and the host of the podcast, fragmented to whole life lessons from 12 step recovery. Welcome to the show, Barb.

Thank you so much, Lucy. It’s really great to meet you. I’ve been excited about this.

Awesome. So let’s, let’s start from the very beginning. Go back to the basics.

What is boundaries to you?

Right. So I think of boundaries as standards that we have for our life, hopefully that we live up to. So they are limits that we impose on ourselves or other people so that we can live in alignment with those standards.

So health is a really good example. Like if health is a value of mine, then I’m going to have boundaries in place, place to support and promote my health. Like, I’m going to set aside time.

So I have time boundaries. I’m going to set aside money to pay for things that support my health, that sort of thing.

Yeah, from your experience, coaching your clients, why are boundaries hard for people to set?

So I think they’re hard for many, many people, but I think they’re especially hard for women because we have been socialized to be caretakers and to be helpful. And it’s almost like an epithet to call a woman selfish. And somehow they’ve internalized from the culture, the idea that setting limits with other people is selfish, that putting yourself first is selfish.

And it’s actually not. That’s why, you know, in the airplane, when you’re flying, they say, Hey, if you’re with a companion and the oxygen mask falls down, you put it on yourself first. What they don’t say is if you’re passed out, you can’t help the other person.

So I’m a fan of people filling their cup such that they pour from the overflow rather than from the cup or from the empty cup as many women try to do. Absolutely.

And I believe many times core boundaries have to do with past experiences or childhood trauma. Would you agree with me?

Absolutely. I mean, I would say, I feel pretty confident in saying a hundred percent of my clients grew up with some kind of family dysfunction, which could mean, you know, intergenerational family dysfunction. It could mean mental health problems, chronic illness, codependence, addiction, other kinds of dysfunction, hyper religiosity, militaristic families, people with, you know, parents with mental illness.

That’s typically where it comes from.

And how do you go about that for people who have these core experiences?

So, because of my podcast, which is geared towards people in 12-step recovery, an enormous proportion of the clientele that I get comes from 12-step recovery. So most people that come to me are at the point where they know they need to do something and they’re probably aware that it has to do with boundaries. So they get like, I’m the one that has to change.

I call them being ripe for change. So I don’t have to convince people that they need to do something and that boundaries are important for them. But the way that I start with all my clients, regardless of where they’re at in their journey of boundary setting, is I have them determine their top five values.

And many of them don’t really know what matters to them because they’ve been such chameleons or people pleasers or such approval seekers that they’ve just said yes to everybody around them and not really given much account of what they want, like, need, and prefer, and what’s okay and not okay. So by having them start with their top five values, they’re starting to put the focus on themselves, which is absolutely key. And then I have them use those as guideposts.

So I mentioned health before, right? So if they say health is my boundary, excuse me, health is my value, then we go about the work of helping them to figure out what are the boundaries that I need in place to support and promote my health.

Let’s go back a little bit. You mentioned the 12 steps recovery. Let’s talk a little bit more about that.

What is the 12-step recovery for those who’s never heard the term?

Okay. I’m glad you asked that question. So most people have probably heard of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It is a 12-step recovery program for people who are addicted to alcohol and want to quit. It was created in the 1930s, and it was the first time in human history that droves of people got sober and stayed sober and really were able to maintain their lives without alcohol. And since then, I think there’s something like 250 12-step programs.

The origin is that the 12 steps actually came from something called the Oxford Movement, which was a Christian movement. So there are spiritual roots. It’s not a Christian program.

It’s not a religious program. They were turned into 12 steps. It is a spiritual program, and the idea is that you need some kind of a power greater than yourself.

Some people call that God. Some people call it nature. Some people think, oh, it’s the power of the group that is greater than me.

So you don’t have to believe in God to participate, but there are 12 methodical steps that you go through, regardless of which program you’re in, that actually allow you to get and stay, like if you’re an alcohol program, for example, get sober and stay sober.

And what does the 12-step recovery look like?

So in most programs, you find a sponsor, which is someone who has been in the program longer than you and usually has completed all 12 steps, but at least has been several steps ahead of you. And different programs have different methods of working the steps. So for example, in AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, their main piece of literature, everybody calls it the big book.

The title is actually Alcoholics Anonymous, and it’s written in the text of there, but over time, people have come up with worksheets based on that. I happen to be in ACA, which is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. That’s actually a trauma recovery program where you reparent yourself and you use the 12 steps to recover.

In that program, there’s a 12-step workbook. It’s about that thick, and it has just an enormous amount of questions to help you understand yourself. And then these inventory sheets, I’m also in Overeaters Anonymous.

I’m down over 100 pounds from my top weight. I’ve been at my goal weight for six and a half years. And in that program, I worked with a sponsor who came up, she has a set of questions she’s been using.

She came up with them over years based on AA literature, OA literature, different workbooks and stuff. And so most programs, you work one-on-one with someone who has you sort of go through each one of the steps in whatever fashion makes sense for that program. In the ACA program, it’s a little bit different because you don’t just do the steps.

You also engage in reparenting. Many people, because it’s a trauma recovery program, also go to therapy for trauma recovery. There’s often a lot of somatic healing, but that stuff happens outside of the 12-step program.

It doesn’t actually happen. And then the other thing that people do is they go to meetings, typically weekly. They’re support group meetings.

And so I go to a weekly ACA meeting. I go to a weekly OA meeting. I used to, in my early days, I went to much more frequently because I really needed it.

But now I kind of keep my toes in the program, not just through my meetings, but I’m a sponsor and I have a sponsor. So I do weekly or sometimes bi-weekly work with people in recovery. And it really actually strengthens my recovery.

So it’s like, for people in the business world, it’s like a mentoring model, but it’s a little bit more structured than mentoring typically is in the business world.

Wow. Amazing. Let’s tie back to boundaries.

So how does the 12-step recovery help your clients with setting better boundaries?

So I don’t have anything to do with the 12 steps in my business. It’s actually not okay to do that because the 12 steps are a free program. So I couldn’t take someone through the 12 steps.

So I personally learned to build boundaries in 12-step recovery, but I did it on this meandering haphazard path. It’s not like the steps were constructed to teach me boundaries. It just happens to be one of the things that I learned because I think of it as my core wound is codependence.

And in case people don’t know what that is, a person who is codependent is typically focused on everything outside themselves. What does he want? What does she want?

What do they want? What does the situation need? What does the organization need?

They seek other people’s approval. They often don’t feel okay in themselves unless other people around them are okay, especially unless those people are okay with them. Like, I need you to be okay with me so that I can be okay.

A classic codependent is in a relationship with an addict or an alcoholic, but that’s not always the case. So what happened for me, Lucy, was after two to three years in recovery and really establishing healthy boundaries and being like, wow, I can’t believe how different my life is, I started reading about boundaries. And while I was doing it, I took notes and I would draw these images that visually depicted what I was understanding about boundaries.

Those drawings turned into handouts, which turned into a workbook, which is the spine of my boundaries coaching program. So I came up with an accelerated method for people to be able to build healthy boundaries so they don’t have to do it on this meandering haphazard path the way I did. So I would say that my experience came from the 12 steps of recovery, but my knowledge came from books and sort of retroactively understanding what happened to me.

And then I’ve created a whole curriculum around how to do that. So I hope that answers your question.

Wow. Amazing. But I think most of the time, many times we see women, especially when they are codependent, when they do care so much about others, like you talked about around them.

So if they say no, they set the boundaries, they say no, they’re going to feel the guilt and the shame. How do we get rid of that?

Right. So it doesn’t happen overnight, but this is where the values come in. Because when you start making decisions and setting limits with people based on what matters to you, first of all, by making, by living your life in alignment with your values, you’re getting into integrity with yourself.

Integrity is another word for wholeness. And so when you feel whole, it’s hard to be shaken. This is one of the reasons why my podcast is called fragmented to whole, because before recovery, I had this notion that I was a bunch of fragmented pieces floating around in space.

Recovery helped me to integrate those into one coherent whole. So I can no longer be shattered by things that happened to me. I can be rocked by them, but I can’t be shattered by them because I’m whole.

So when we start by deciding what our values are, and we start doing more things to live in alignment with them, and we start setting limits with other people based on our values, we start to feel pretty good about that. Like I’m doing this for my health, for example, since I used health as an example. So let’s say, you know, I mentioned I’m a compulsive overeater.

So say somebody says to me, let’s go to this brunch buffet on Sunday. I’m going to decline. Number one, buffets don’t work for me.

Number two, I eat three meals and two snacks a day approximately the same time. 11 o’clock is not one of those times. And number three, I really try to do my socializing outside of meals with people.

It doesn’t mean I never do, but that’s, I’m like, let’s go for a walk or have coffee. So if I’m going to decline that invitation and they want to judge me because I’m taking care of myself, that’s a lot easier for me to tolerate now that I’m taking care of myself and I get the reinforcement of being taken care of. Because the part about boundaries that people typically don’t think about is the reward, the reward part of setting boundaries.

So if you continue to take care of your health, you’re going to be healthy and health is its own reward. And so in the beginning, it’s harder, but as time goes on, it gets easier. And I’m glad that you mentioned the feelings of guilt and shame, because feelings are the main reason people either don’t set boundaries or they cave once they set boundaries because they cannot handle their feelings.

So I do a lot of feelings work with my clients. And I will say in turn, and speaking of boundaries, an indication often that it’s time to either set or shore up a boundary is if you feel resentful. So I was a giver.

I was a volunteer aholic before I got into recovery. And I actually give more service to my community now that I’m in recovery in terms of hours per week than I ever did as a volunteer aholic, but it’s completely different. I’m never resentful.

Number one, I do it strategically, not at the drop of a hat. Number two, I do it by choice, not compulsion or a feeling of obligation. And number three, I do it only after filling my own cup.

First, I pour from the overflow rather than trying to pour from an empty cup. So I don’t ever get resentful. I used to get resentful and be like, I can’t believe she just asked me for the 50th time to volunteer for that blah, blah, blah.

Well, you know why she asked me 50 times, Lucy? Because I said yes, 49 times. But wanting to be helpful does not explain where we get to the point where we’re resentful.

What that’s about is some kind of focus outside yourself, perhaps approval seeking, really caring what other people think of you. I didn’t know that was going on for me. That was a huge revelation, one of many, many, many revelations in my 12-step recovery.

And that’s despite the fact that I was in therapy for 37 years, not continuously, but almost, and read all the self-help books and all the personal development programs. And I was a very introspective person, but there was so much I didn’t know that the 12 steps revealed to me, like that I was a people pleaser and a rescuer and approval seeker.

I resonate a lot with what you just said. I love it. I’m volunteering this weekend and I love what you said.

I don’t need the hours. I just love helping. It comes from within instead of, oh, you need the hours.

You need to be there. You need to, the need to, instead of I get to, right?

I love that. That’s what I say. I use that exact phrase from my clients all the time.

They say, I have to do this. I should do this. I need this.

I’m like, no, no, no, no. Get to, because get to is about choice and have to and should to and need to is almost like someone else is forcing it on you, or it feels like you’re compelled and you actually have choices and boundaries are actually about making choices and deciding what are the choices I want to make. And it’s astonishing how much control you have over your life that you don’t even know that you have if you have poor boundaries.

I was astonished. I felt like a strong, independent woman of agency before I got into recovery. And in some ways I was, but I had no idea how much I was waiting for the world to change.

I was expecting other people to change. I had victim mentality was the biggest paradigm shift of my recovery. I’m not the quintessential victim.

I’m not walking around. Never was going, what was me? The world is against me.

I can never win. That was not my attitude. So my victim mentality was much more subtle.

It was, well, you know, if he would only blah, blah, blah, or if she would only blah, blah, blah, or I would get like, here’s a good example. I was mad all the time in traffic, like traffic was happening to me personally. And what I was able to unpack is that subconsciously I had this belief that there shouldn’t be traffic, at least not when I’m driving.

Meanwhile, highways, they were built for traffic.

I love it. I love how far you’ve come and I’m the same way. I’m just loving how I get to make very committed decisions to live my best life now.

But if someone who’s listening is not quite at that point yet, they’ve set their values, right? They’ve set their boundaries, but they start feeling the pushback behavior of people around them. Right.

Because they set those boundaries. How do you deal with that?

So, yeah, that’s the, that’s the second question. Second, most frequent question. First one is how do I deal with the feelings?

And the second one is how do I deal with pushback behaviors? So most, I want to start by saying that assume the best of intentions on everybody’s part, there are some toxic people out there who just won’t take no for an answer. They’re in a whole different category, but those people you often need to be rude.

And that’s just the way that it is because they’re not going to take no for an answer for like 99 point something percent of humans. You simply repeat yourself. That doesn’t work for me.

That doesn’t work for me. I don’t know if you’ve heard me, but that really doesn’t work for me. So you just repeat yourself.

So assume the best of intentions means things like, you know, there’s a whole host of reasons why people don’t honor our boundaries. One is maybe they forgot because you’ve never done it before. Maybe they don’t really believe you because you’ve never done it before.

Maybe they have poor boundaries. So it’s really difficult for them to respect other people’s boundaries. And as I’m saying that, I want to make note that people who have poor boundaries typically know I let people walk all over me.

What they probably don’t recognize is they’re probably walking all over other people’s boundaries because boundaries go both ways. And if you don’t have them in one direction, you often don’t have them in the other. So, you know, I would say just repeat yourself, but then sometimes you just become a little bit more firm.

I’m a fan of politeness. But again, if someone is toxic, if they’re dangerous, if someone’s safety is at stake, you know, if they have a mental illness, then screw politeness and be a jerk about it. You know, you do whatever you need to do.

One way that I got support that I don’t think I really understood for a couple of years how important it was is that I did the 12 steps the first time in ACA with a small group of other women. And I didn’t understand how supportive they were of me. They said to me things like, you know, like you don’t have to respond to that email or you don’t have to go, or you can say no, or are you sure you want to say it like that?

One time they were like, keep your hands away from the keyboard, you know? So, and then they also said things like you deserve to set this boundary. You are not a bad person for doing this.

So getting the support of emotionally stable, mature other people who are not emotionally tied to the situation can be super helpful. I often call it bookending. So you connect with them before and after you set your boundary.

And so what they can do is they can affirm you and support you. And then they can also help you process those difficult emotions. So you’re not carrying them with you into the situation where you set the boundary, and then you connect with them right after.

That’s why it’s called bookending. And you again, process your difficult emotions, and again, have them affirm you. And that helps you feel like, okay, there’s somebody who knows where I am.

They know what I’m doing. They know what I’m going through. And one of the reasons why feelings are so difficult for us as adults is because as children, we didn’t have mature adults to be with us in our feelings and process them with us.

So they feel overwhelming. So as adults, if we get another adult, that’s why I said an emotionally mature person who is not emotionally tied to the situation is a great person to connect with when it comes to boundaries, because they can help you kind of process your feelings and come to some kind of resolution with them. So you’re not carrying them into the situation.

And you’re less likely to launch them at the person you’re setting boundaries with.

And this is exactly where coaching comes in. Because yes, your friends and family, they mean the world for you. They want the best for you.

But yet they are emotionally tied to you and right situation. So they are not they are not in a judgment free zone.

Right, exactly. And truth be told, if you have more boundaries, you probably have a number of people around you with poor boundaries. So it’ll be hard.

So you’re right, that is actually a very important part of, of coaching, like one of the things I do for my private client, well, I do, I guess, for group clients, too, is I have a telegram, so they can message me anytime they want. And they’re like, what do I say? Or how do I handle this?

Or what, like in the moment when something is going on. And that is so helpful. And I provide that because man, do I wish I had that.

Yeah.

Thank you for all your wisdom, Barb. When you need a picker upper, what is a favorite quote of yours that you resort to?

So as I mentioned, I have a 70 page Word document of quotes. So this is a tough one. But this is one that helps me a lot in my business.

And it’s go as far as you can see, when you get there, you can see further.

Oh, that’s beautiful.

Thank you so much for sharing. And where can we find you, Barb?

Well, I just came out with a boundary building starter kit, and it’s at boundaries starter kit.com.

If you go there, it will take you to sign up for the starter kit. And also we are on my webpage. So everything about me is there on my podcast, my Instagram, my newsletter, my coaching programs, my free stuff, you know, all that stuff is on that same on that same site.

So boundaries starter kit.com. It’s a multimedia kit with like some of my absolute best content, as well as three lessons from my 12 part curriculum. Beautiful.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

Awesome.

This episode is for you if you want some profound new insights into the transformative power in forgiveness.

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Today we’re talking to Katharine Giovanni, a three-time award-winning best-selling author, speaker, and one of the original founders of the independent concierge industry. Katharine has authored over twelve books, including her latest release, ‘The Ultimate Path to Forgiveness: Unlocking Your Power.’ Katharine’s journey, from battling stage 3 breast cancer to navigating a challenging childhood, has given her profound insights about resilience and forgiveness. Join us as Katharine shares these invaluable lessons and explores the transformative power of forgiveness. Get ready for a conversation brimming with inspiration and empowerment!

FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Hello, hello, beautiful souls. Welcome, welcome. This episode is for you if you want some profound news insights into the transformative power in forgiveness.

If you have trouble forgiving someone, this is for you. And for that I have today’s expert with me Katharine Giovanni, a forgiveness coach, three time award winning bestselling author of 12 books, and she is also a dynamic speaker, trainer, and advisor. Isn’t that amazing?

Welcome to the show, Katharine.

Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.

Okay, I’m diving straight in with the tough question, Katharine, is it even possible to forgive the unforgivable?

Maybe. Everybody who’s listening and watching your show right now, 10 out of 10, and probably you as well, on a 10 scale with 10 being unforgivable dumpster fire and one being super easy, everybody’s thinking of their number 10, everybody. And you probably don’t want to forgive that person.

And you know, that’s fair. It may not even be appropriate to forgive that person. And you don’t have to forgive that person.

And I’m the only one that’s going to tell you that. And why? Because you’ve got all the people you’ve rated one to nine to forgive first, before you even get to that dumpster fire.

So it’s possible. Now, everybody tells you, you have to forgive. Nobody teaches you how.

And then they go on to say, well, you need to forgive and then forget. No, not going to happen. I don’t know one person who can forget.

There might be one unicorn person on the planet somewhere that can magically forget these things. I, however, I’m not one of them. So with my method, you’re not going to forget, but you’ll neutralize the memory using my method.

You won’t think great thoughts. You won’t think bad thoughts. Forgiveness to me, the definition of forgiveness merely means I want you out of my head.

Bottom line, I want you out of my head. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want the memory there.

I want you out of my head. That’s really what my definition is.

I like that definition. It’s something different. And it’s so true, because what’s what’s on our thought is going to trigger our emotions and in turn lead to different actions after, right?

Right. Yeah. With forgiveness, there’s a couple of there’s a couple of principles with forgiveness.

Forgiving somebody doesn’t mean they were correct. They weren’t, they’re still going to be wrong. Forgiveness means I want you out of my head.

Forgiveness, if I forgive you, it doesn’t necessarily mean I want a relationship with you. I probably don’t. And that’s fine.

Now I’ve been sober for 34 years. And part of recovery, this was dinosaurs were roaming back then, but they do tell you, you need to forgive and you need to make amends and you need to reach out to these people. Okay.

Um, I really have a problem with that because I was actually kind of shy growing up. So I didn’t really want to reach out to anybody. And if you’re reaching out to somebody, you need, you need to forgive.

It may not even be appropriate to reach out to this person. So my method is you can do it in the privacy of your own home and nobody has to know. And I want you to take your, I want you to sit down with a pen and paper and here’s the meat and potatoes of it.

I want you to sit down with a piece of paper and just write down the people, places, and things. I did say places and things stay with me of people you think you need to forgive. And then I want you to rate them from one to 10 and you might have three number threes and five number fives.

It doesn’t matter to me, just rate them. And then I want you to start with the number ones, the person in the grocery store that cuts you off on aisle four, you can forgive that person. The kid in grammar school who cheated off your paper, you can forgive that person.

The person that cuts you off on I-95 South, you can forgive that person. And as you forgive people, you’re going to start to feel better. You’re going to start to feel lighter.

You’re going to start to pay attention to things that are not having to do with these horrible memories. And it’s going to start to make a difference. And then the piece that nobody really knows about is Einstein proved that energy is neither created nor destroyed.

It just changes form and everything on the planet has energy. When you get mad, what do we all think? It leaves my mouth and it magically dissipates in the universe.

It does not. It hangs around your energy field and it will stay there until you clear it. So when you forgive people, the reason they have a nasty habit of not staying forgiven, unless it’s in Martha and you have to go have Thanksgiving with her every year, is because you didn’t forgive the energy around the person.

So you forgive the person, the energy around the person, yourself, the energy around yourself, and then the energy around the entire thing.

That is something different than what we’re used to be taught as we grew up. It’s a lot deeper than just the surface. Oh, I’m sorry.

Or, oh, I forgive you. It’s a lot deeper than that.

Because sometimes if you just say, I’m sorry, and I forgive you, you really don’t. Yeah. Because you really don’t.

You go back to your car and you just you’re steaming. And then of course, you want the person you’re angry at to be as angry as you are. But they’re not, are they?

They’re going about their life. They’re going out to dinner and they’re going to work. And you’re the one who’s miserable.

You’re the one who’s sitting there stewing. And your friend’s circle has probably gone down to zero because who wants to be around you? Because you’re angry and you’re talking about it all the time.

And that’s the problem. But if you sit down and you start forgiving the easy ones, it’s going to be easier in your life. For anybody listening, I’m about to hold an opaque cup in front of my face.

When you’re first angry, it’s easy to keep the anger off to the side. But as you keep that anger, look at my body language. Okay.

You and I can still have a conversation, but it’s a little bit more hard because it’s starting to take my life over. So it’s starting to come into my conversation. Now I’m holding the cup in front of my face.

Now look at my body language. My arms are engaged. I can’t see you.

We can’t engage. So what forgiveness does, especially my method, it’s going to allow you to put your little glass of anger down. Now look at my body language.

I might see a job opportunity. I might see a brand new client come into my business. I’ve been a serial entrepreneur for years.

And why didn’t I notice it before? Because I was paying attention to the anger. Imagine that client you just had that just dissed you and you lost the job.

Forgive that client. Forgiving clients and people will actually raise your bottom line. Why?

Because you’re going to start to pay attention. You’re going to pay attention to opportunities. You’re going to pay attention to all sorts of things.

And you’re probably going to get compliments. You’re going to say, Lucy, you’ve done something with your hair. Something about you is different.

Well, you can tell them or not, depending upon you, but sure, your energy is different. You’re not as angry anymore. So you feel better too.

Yeah.

It’s really a powerful, powerful thing.

Yeah. I hear that a lot though. One of the things I’ve heard before is this, I’ve forgiven, but I’m still angry.

Right?

Obviously we want to.

How do we get rid of that anger? How do we get, how do we get rid of that energy that’s still there?

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

So what you’re going to do, let’s say you’re trying to forgive somebody who you’ve rated a level eight, right? And, or let’s, let’s just dive into the tens. Tens are tough.

You’re not going to get a 10 unforgivable dumpster fire down to a one in one sitting. Ain’t going to happen. It’s just not going to happen.

But you can pick apart that memory. You can start by saying, I forgive myself for not being able to forgive. Start there.

That’s going to move a little energy. Let’s say you need to forgive a bully from childhood, like I did actually. And every day you drive to work.

And when you get to that one red light, your old school is right on the corner and you see it and you see the playground. And all of a sudden that movie’s playing in your head and you’re remembering what happened in the playground and how the bullies really bullied you. So by the time you get to your office, you’re kind of pissed off.

You’re kind of in a really bad mood. So how do you get rid of it? Okay.

I want you to go into that memory. And remember Einstein also said that everything has energy around it, even the inanimate object. So what I’ll tell you to do is forgive other pieces of the memory, forgive the school, forgive the kids who didn’t help you, forgive the playground, forgive the desk, the table, the chair, forgive yourself.

And as you forgive that, the memory is going to lighten up. So the 10 might get down to a nine. So then you wait 24 or 48 hours and you do it again.

It’s like an onion and you’re slowly peeling back layers of the onion. And as you peel back those layers, sadly more memories will pop up, but you forgive that layer as they come. And eventually you can get the 10 down to a seven all the way down to a, to a believable two or three, and then you can probably toss it.

But in the meantime, you’ve managed to lighten up your life. You’ve faced that brick wall. And instead of trying to power through it, you’ve walked around the brick wall and you forgive what you can and circle back later.

I think that’s a great reminder that everything we want in life pretty much takes time, but it’s your determination, your decision to make it happen. Right. And then the belief that it will happen.

And this goes with so many areas of our life.

My question now is, is there a certain set stage in forgiveness?

Oh, like Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief?

Yeah, there is. Instead of stages, I call them the numbers.

They’re level tens down to a five down to a one. And you might start out and think, oh, well, this person is a three. And after you do my little mantra, and it’s a very simple little poem, there’s nothing to burn.

There’s no, there’s nothing. It’s just a very simple little poem. And you might think, well, I’m still kind of angry at this person.

So maybe that three was actually a six. So in, in my method, I want you to rate all of these people and everything is correct there. You can’t, you can’t mess this up.

It’s not possible. As long as you start with your number ones and you move through it and you know, you’re not going to forgive your tens right away. And you’re probably still going to be angry, which is actually why I want you to start with the easy ones, because that’s going to make you’re going to start to feel better.

Coffee will smell better, food will taste better, because you’re not living in the past anymore. It’s very hard to be your authentic self to a faith through a haze of anger and resentment and bitterness. So by forgiving people, you’re finally going to be the authentic person and you are meant to be when you came to this planet, you’re finally going to be able to walk that golden path.

Beautifully said.

For someone who’s listening. I always say, remember that you have to forgive yourself as well for holding on to these anger in the past, right? For what you have gone through that you weren’t able to let go at the time.

That’s really an essential part of forgiveness as well. Would you agree with me?

I a hundred percent agree with you. Um, this is the first book of three and the second book is probably going to focus on number tens and how to forgive yourself. And if you having trouble forgiving yourself, I want you to pick it or your, I want you to pick it apart.

Like you would a number 10, you’re going to have a whole bunch of memories. It may be one memory. It might be 10 memories that you’re, you’re beating yourself up about, but I want you to pick the memory apart and forgive other things within that memory.

If it’s something from work, you can forgive your boss. You can forgive the people who didn’t help you. You can forgive the table, the chair, the building and the energy around all of these things.

And that’s going to lighten it up. And you’re not going to be as angry anymore. Forgive yourself for not being able to forgive yourself.

Start there. Just start with that simple. I forgive myself for not being able to forgive myself and the energy around this.

Just start there. And that’s going to loosen up the energy a little bit. And then you can make, you know, you could write a list of things that you’re beating yourself up for, rate them from one to 10 and just go through it.

Starting with the number ones. This is a process. This is not a quick fix.

This is going to take you some time, but it’s 100% worth it because the more I’m an entrepreneur from way back from 95, when dinosaurs round, and I’ve been, I’ve been doing this a long time. And when I first discovered this method, I started to forgive people and my business bottom line went up. I started to get more clients.

And I thought I’m a college educated girl. Why is forgiving somebody in my personal life affecting my business bottom line? The two shouldn’t be, there should be no similarity yet.

There it was fact. One was absolutely affecting the other. So this will help your personal life, your relationships, and it will help your business.

Oh yeah. When we change the business of our life, we change the life of our business. That is like one of the best lines I’ve heard.

Yeah.

Everything changes. And don’t be surprised if people leave your life because they will. Jim Rohn said, you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.

So who are you spending time with? And as you get more positive and you get more loving and you get lighter and lighter and more optimistic, the negative Nellies in your life are going to go, what’s she up to? And they may either leave your life or try to sabotage it.

Don’t be surprised. Just spend your time with people who are brighter, happy, optimistic people, which is what I try and do. I try and spend my time with people better than me.

And it’s, if it’s family, it’s going to be very hard. If you’re living with your number 10, I think we can both agree. Please move to another location.

If you’re living with your number 10, if you can’t move well, then try and spend time with people who are not number 10.

Yeah, that is so true. One other thing that I hear a lot when it comes to being hard to forgive someone else is that having to admit that you are wrong. Sometimes when we feel like, oh, if I forgive this person, that means they were right.

And I am wrong. How do you shift your mindset on that?

I’m not a very religious person, but there is one. I went to a very weird school and I had to memorize Bible verses when I was a kid. And one of them has always gotten me to forgiveness.

And it’s how I forgave my parents. And it’s how I forgave myself. Jesus is nailed up on the cross, probably in a lot of pain between you and me.

I mean, that’s painful. And he said, forgive them, father. They know not what they do.

Meaning if I’m talking to a five-year-old and they don’t know trigonometry, I can’t get angry at that because they haven’t learned it yet. My parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time. Was it good enough?

No, but they did their best. And I can forgive that with a little Simone Biles level of mental gymnastics. I can get myself to forgive my parents.

And when it comes to myself, you need to forgive yourself for becoming the person you needed to be in order to survive. Today is a brand new day. You woke up and it’s a brand new person.

And the person you were yesterday, you needed to be that person so you could survive. You can forgive that person. They did the best they could with the tools they had at the time.

Forgive that person. And when you’re dealing with stuff like that, it really doesn’t matter who was wrong and who was right. It’s in the past and the past can’t really hurt you anymore.

So forgive that person, whatever happened, forgive that person. They did the best they could.

Okay. So with your experience and clients, what are some other reasons you’ve seen why people can’t forgive someone else?

They don’t want to.

That’s the number one. They enjoy being angry.

And the number one reason is change is very scary. And if I lose my story, who am I going to be? I’m a survivor.

I survived this horrible thing and I’m telling the story and I’m writing about it and talking about it. It’s my identity. It’s my armor.

It brings me strength. The hate and the anger, it fuels my fire. It’s how I get going in the morning.

And if I lose all of that, well, that’s very scary, isn’t it? Who are you going to be? But imagine if you’ve gotten as far as you have using anger as fuel, imagine how much farther you could go if you toss the anger and you use the love instead.

You’ll get twice as far, twice as fast if you actually allow yourself to let go of all of that.

That is so good. And the victim mentality is so dangerous.

Yeah. And you have made money and you are doing well, but you could do twice as well and do twice as much and attract three times as many people if you lose that. And you could still tell the stories.

You can tell, I was here. This is what I did. I do it myself.

I’ve gone through a lot in my life. But it’s a question if you do it from a place of love as opposed to a place of anger. It’s a completely different breed of cat.

That is powerful right there. So what was your story, Catherine? How did you get into, I mean, you talked about it a little bit, right?

In your business, it helped your bottom line. How about your personal life? Was it something you talked about your parents a little bit after forgiving them?

How did it change your life?

Well, I think the flashpoint in my life was when my mother died and I was raised by two alcoholics. And about three years before she died, she fell down a flight of stairs, broke her hip and ended up in the hospital. And even my mother couldn’t get a gin and tonic in the hospital.

So she dried out and she went to rehab and we had three beautiful years together. And then she died. She died of breast cancer.

And I knew that if I didn’t clean my act up, I was going to die too. So I quit drinking. I’ve been sober for 34 years.

And in the rooms and AA, they teach you about forgiveness and you have to make amends and do a fourth step and all of these things, but they don’t really teach you how, but I was giving it lip service and just robotically saying, oh yeah, I forgive them. No, I wasn’t. But I’m going to say it anyways, because that’s what you want me to say.

And I kind of floated through life and I finally figured out forgiveness. And I am a concierge trainer by trade. And very early in the concierge industry, the independent concierge industry, I started doing workshops, teaching people customer service and how to become a concierge.

But I can’t teach you to be warm, friendly and approachable and offer five-star customer service. If you’re angry inside, because the anger is going to bleed through your body language, whether you want it to or not. So I had to come up with a method and anybody who’s my age knows that back in the 1990s, you didn’t bring a soft topic to a workshop.

It wasn’t done. Well, yeah, I’m crazy. I did it because I needed to get rid of their anger.

And that’s actually how it all started. I was trying to get these concierge who often couldn’t even leave their desk to lose their anger at somebody at a client or guest who comes in front of them, piss them off. Okay, well, you’ve got another guest standing behind.

How do I lose that anger? How do I move forward fast? And that’s how I came up with a lot of the forgiveness methods I use today.

But I’m retired from that industry. So yeah, now I’m just doing this.

Amazing. Okay. So for someone listening, if they’re holding on to some grudge inside of them still, what are your top tips for them right now?

My top tip is to sit down and on a piece of paper, write down, you can try 10 at a time, the top 10 people you think you need to forgive. And then I want you to rate them. I’m very serious about this.

I want you to rate them from one to 10. And whoever you’re thinking of that unforgivable, I’m bitter. It’s my ex-partner.

I’m never going to forgive that person. They’re a 10, write them down and work on them last. Do the work before you go to bed because your body heals itself as you sleep and try and only do 10 at a time.

So because it’s going to be easier on your body and start with the people you label a one, two, and three. And after you do the mantra that I have in the book, and I’ve worked sheeps and all that kind of stuff in there, check in with your body and see if you’re still angry. And if you’re still angry, don’t put a check by their name, wait 24 hours and do it again.

And if you really can’t forgive the person and you’re really thinking, I don’t want to forgive the person and just forgive the energy and nothing else. Forgive yourself and the energy, and then try again in 24 hours. This is a process and it is like an onion.

And even if you don’t think it worked, it did work. I guarantee you it worked. You just forgave the first layer.

So you’re not going to feel a big shift, especially if you’re dealing with the higher number of people. You can do this and women, you’re worthy. Men don’t have this problem, but women have this irritating, I’m not worthy bug in their head.

And I’m here to tell you, and I know Lucy’s going to tell you too, you are worthy. You can do this. You deserve a life of joy and happiness.

It’s your birthright.

So good. Beautifully said. In any days when you need an uplift, is there a favorite quote that you go by in life, Katharine?

I, a favorite quote of mine, you know, I actually love that, that Jim Rohn quote. You’re the, some of the five people you spend the most time with. And that that’s one of my favorites.

And there’s another favorite of mine, which I think is Benjamin Franklin. And as an entrepreneur, it’s one of my favorites ever. I haven’t tried 1000 ways to make the light bulb work.

I’ve successfully discovered 999 ways that don’t. So I love, I love that quote. Just keep trying, you know, absolutely.

So good. Awesome. So tell us a little bit more about your book.

What is the, you have 12. So we’re just going to go with the latest title.

It’s the ultimate path to forgiveness, unlocking your power. You can find it on Amazon. And I do understand that a lot of people don’t like to read.

So the audio book is available as well as the paperback and the ebook. And you can also find me at Katharine Giovanni.com and Catherine, thanks to my mother is spelled a little bit odd. It’s K-A-T-H-A-R-I-N-E.

Thanks mom. Giovanni.com. I love it.

I love it. Well, thank you.

Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.

In this empowering episode, host Lucy Liu shares her insights on how to become a stronger, better version of yourself by starting now. Lucy emphasizes the importance of not waiting for the ‘right time’ to initiate change, but instead, taking small, actionable steps towards your goals.

Join Lucy as she guides you through these five habits to cultivate greater emotional strength and confidence. Consistency is key, and by integrating these habits into your daily routine, you can achieve long-term benefits.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST

WATCH THE EPISODE

This episode is for you if you want to be a stronger, better version of you not tomorrow, not next year, but start now. Alot of people wait for change and wait to start and wait for the right time, blah blah blah because they overthink, they overthink on what it takes to accomplish their goals. 

Say you are at point A now, and your end goal is Point Z as in zebra, and that destination just seems so daunting, it’s so far away and you will never get there, just go from point A to point B then focus on going to point C. 

As Tony Robbins says don’t overestimate what you can do in a year but don’t underestimate what you can do in a decade. You can live a completely different life in just 5 years. And in a decade, you might think the younger you was from another life.

But there is no overnight success, there is not one single hack that will get you what you want. The true hack is that the answers lay inside the small daily habits of your life. Small daily habits become your actions and your actions will determine your results.

If you are here, you are probably already a high-achieving woman who is successful in her line of work. Remember that continuously cultivating daily habits will enhance your emotional strength and confidence is crucial for sustaining your success and well-being. 

Here are my top 5 habits that made be a better stronger confident person and I hope they’ll serve as a reminder for you to work on your emotional resilience and boost your confidence:

Mindful Morning Rituals

Starting your day right is crucial. Starting your day with intention sets a positive tone, enhances focus, and reduces stress, preparing you to handle challenges with calmness. 

Now there is no right or wrong answer here, but what’s important is that you dedicate the first 10-20 minutes of your day to activities like meditation, deep breathing exercises, or gentle stretching. Do something that will help center your thoughts, increase self-awareness, and promote a sense of control over your day. I like to start my day with meditation and positive affirmations right when I wake up. For you that could be morning yoga, workout, whatever you enjoy doing that will ground you and start your day right. 

Structured Time Management and Boundary Setting

Effective time management reduces stress, prevents burnout, and ensures a healthy work-life balance. But I don’t think it’s really so much about time management, of course you can implement time management and productivity strategies like batching your work or time blocking, but I think it really comes down to not managing your time but managing your priorities and setting your boundaries. 

Setting boundaries protects your emotional well-being and maintains your energy for both personal and professional goals.

Plan your day by prioritizing tasks and allocating specific times for work, breaks, and personal activities. Clearly communicate your boundaries to colleagues and loved ones, and stick to them to maintain balance. Utilize tools like planners or digital calendars to stay organized and manage your time efficiently. 

I always have my clients start by blocking their time off on their calendar for their personal non-negotiable activities first such as sleep, meal time, workout time, time to walk your dog or read. If you catch yourself saying I don’t have time for xyz, well, it is on your calendar? 

Continuous Learning and Skill Development: 

Invest in your personal and professional growth by learning new skills, attending workshops, conferences or reading. This not only boosts confidence but also keeps you adaptable and resilient in changing environments.

I remember when I first started my personal development journey, I used to take alot of free courses. Then I started buying $7 ebooks, then I moved onto buying $500 courses to eventually $7000 coaching programs etc. Many of the women who I’ve spoken to had a similar path. We used to think about whether or not to buy that $7 ebook, but now we don’t blink buying a $2000 course, because we see the value in investing in ourselves. Always remember you are not investing in that instructor in that coach, you are investing in yourself, you believe in you and you believe you are worthy of that price tag and therefore you rise and uplevel to your next best self in the process. 

Celebrate Your Achievements: 

Take time to acknowledge and celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Gained 1 follower today? Well, celebrate that! Recognizing your accomplishments reinforces your confidence and motivates you to continue striving toward your goals. What gets celebrated gets repeated! Do you want that successful result repeated? Well go celebrate it! Don’t ever think your accomplishments are too small, even making your bed in the morning calls for celebration. 

This is also why I host monthly workshops called the #IamRemarkable workshop. #IAmRemarkable is a global movement that empowers everyone, including underrepresented groups, to celebrate their achievements in the workplace and beyond, while challenging the social perception around self-promotion.

In this interactive session, you will participate in group discussions and exercises to increase your comfort and confidence in self-promotion.

• reflect on our own limiting beliefs on self-promotion.
• share data and research regarding self-promotion and bias.
• go through the main exercise to help you identify and share your achievements.
• wrap up with discussion and take home exercises.

So reach out to me anywhere on social and message me #Iamremarkable and I will send you the time for my next workshop. In this interactive session, you will increase your confidence and skills in self-promotion. And if you have a group or organization let me know and I will be happy to run this workshop for you as I am truly passionate about this movement and donate my time monthly to doing so. 

Practice Gratitude: 

Incorporate a gratitude practice by acknowledging the positive aspects of your life. This can shift your focus from what’s lacking to what’s abundant. My life truly changed after I started my daily gratitude journaling. Even on the days when I had an argument with my husband, I still wrote down in my journal: I am grateful for my husband for helping me cultivate more patience. No matter how bad a situation might be, there is always something we can learn from it. If you see the event from the lens of positivity and gratitude, the situation will be very different than if you see it from a lens of lack and blame. 

Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or coach if you’re facing emotional challenges. A therapist can help you let go of something from the past that you are holding on to and a coach will hold you accountable to a better future. Professional guidance can provide strategies and support to strengthen your emotional resilience.

So by integrating these 5 habits into your daily routine, you can cultivate greater emotional strength and confidence, empowering you to navigate the demands of your professional and personal life with resilience and assurance. 

Remember, consistency is key, and small, daily actions can lead to significant long-term benefits. Cheers to you making baby steps towards your exponential growth and I’ll see you next week. 

Join Lucy Liu and Shamina Taylor in this powerful episode to discover how you can achieve self-mastery and become unapologetically rich!

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WATCH THE EPISODE

Shamina Taylor, Attorney turned Wealth Expert, Business Mentor, Author and Speaker, helps high-achieving women level up in their personal lives and in their businesses by teaching them how to become the most powerful, fulfilled, wealthy, and successful version of themselves.

With over 20 years of experience, Shamina is a top industry leader and has helped hundreds of women build their businesses, both on- and offline. She is also known for working with high-profile grammy-winning celebrities and bringing them the most expansive results through her mentorship and programs.

The Quantum Woman® Podcast by Shamina Taylor recently hit the top 20 out of 100 in business categories featuring bingeworthy solo and guest feature episodes, allt the while her book Unlocking The Quantum Woman for Women landed the #1 bestseller for under women in business in on Amazon.com.

She has also spoken at numerous events and Shamina has been featured in Fortune, Yahoo Finance, and Medium, and on Pix11’s New York Living, Fox, CBS and  ABC.

FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Hello, hello, beautiful souls. This episode is for you if you want to have it all and be unapologetically rich.

Doesn’t that sound good? And for that exact reason, I have my special guest today, the powerhouse Shamina Taylor, a former attorney turned wealth consciousness mentor, author of the Amazon number one bestseller, Unlocking the Quantum Women, keynote speaker and podcast host of the Apple podcast, Unapologetically Rich. Welcome to the show.

Thank you for having me.

Yay. I’m a big believer that self-mastery is the key to living life by our own design. And I know you previously talked about why self-mastery is also the key to having it all.

So let’s start there. Let’s start with what self-mastery is. So what is your definition of self-mastery, Shamina?

Self-mastery is learning how to basically be accountable for your own self and self-accountability. It’s it’s being able to reflect back in what what you’re doing, how you’re operating, and then you making the decision, you having the power to change the outcome. And when you can master yourself, you can master your emotions.

You can master your money. You can master your time. This is like when you’re in your power position, as opposed to, you know, people who say, well, if only this happened, I would have this.

With self-mastery, you’re like, well, I’m going to make this happen because I know I can’t. You know, it’s having that power within. And this is where a lot of people hand their power over.

And that scarcity victim mindset comes in. This is where I help people get mastered in self.

Beautifully said. And I love that. And I believe this is a skill that we can actually learn.

Would you agree?

Absolutely. I feel it’s a skill. I also feel it’s a coming home to yourself, your authentic self.

You know, when you are no longer having to be somebody else or wear a mask, needing approval, having validation, having unhealed stuff in your past come through, you see the world through a different lens. You become really unapologetic about who you are, what you say you’re, you know, how you want to live your life, how rich you want to be. You know, you don’t worry about what other people are thinking about you when you are self-mastered.

It is different than just being confident. It’s being in a place of, I know who I am and I’m okay with it. And I’m okay with other people not being okay with it.

And one of the things I usually say is that everything starts with self-awareness. And I think I would say that’s also the first step to having self-mastery.

It’s everything. I mean, a lot of the times people aren’t even aware of what they’re doing because their subconscious minds are running the show. They consciously think that they’re doing the right thing or they’re out seeking the correct goal.

But subconsciously there’s a whole different story that’s happening underneath the surface. And that’s what I work with a lot of my clients and women with. It’s like when they’re like, well, I haven’t hit the income goal yet.

I’m like, let’s dig in. Let’s find out where that story is. Or, you know, why don’t I have that love of my life?

Or why is my relationship in this state? Why is my business here? Why am I not here yet?

And it’s not because of something they’re doing. It’s in fact something that they’re being. And so self-mastery is a way of how you can be aware of what you’re doing, but also the beingness of who you are.

Because that energy is going to trump almost anything you do. It’s going to affect everything you do, right? It’s because I always say energy doesn’t lie, but people do.

You know, that’s my quote. And I feel like you can’t pretend to be something you’re not when it’s on the surface, you know, underneath the surface. So the more that you master who you are, the more clarity you have of what you can do in this world.

Yes. And it’s about learning emotional intelligence. It’s learning, yeah, positive thinking, goal setting, time management, so much to learn, but it’s also worth it in the end, right?

I mean, for me, it’s maybe millions. So I was an attorney making money. And then when I learned to master my emotions, which I talk about in my book, it is not just because most women who are high achievers turn off their emotions.

And this is part of self-mastery. They turn off their emotions and they go into their masculine doing state where they just get things done. And usually that comes from a trauma response of not opening their heart or not being able to feel safe to feel because they’re trying to cut off.

And many of them become the ice queen or they’re not very emotionally mature enough to share that, you know, emotion. This is, you know, emotional intelligence comes deeper than just feeling through things. It’s being mastered in your emotions, especially for a woman.

And what I love to help women do is start to feel again, you know, and be safe in the feeling again, because those emotions are our superpower. It’s our compass on how we master ourselves. It’s OK to be upset.

You know, it’s OK to feel something. But growing up, no one ever said, hey, Lucy, how are you feeling today? You know, it’s like, Lucy, show me how well you can do this thing.

Right. That’s what I was raised with. Like achieve approval, achieve approval.

That was the game. And I found once women can really tap into their emotions, because I’ve said money is masculine and the way we receive it is feminine. If we can work into our emotions, we start mastering ourselves in a different way.

We learn how to be responsive versus reactive. We’re no longer triggered. We’re in a very high, powerful, empowered self.

We then have mastery over money and everything else in our lives. It’s not us, you know, waiting to react to situations in our life.

Yeah, it is powerful. I hear you because when we were younger, when we hear the word self mastery, like I felt like, oh, it’s self control. I need to control myself.

Right. But it’s actually a little bit different. Right.

I actually believe controlling is a trauma response to when you have to control everything, know everything, micromanage people, pleasing perfectionism. They’re all rooted in scarcity mindset because we’re worried about the outcome. And if women actually started doing things a little bit more chaotic, more what they felt like doing in the day, not what they’re required to do.

Instead of having a super busy schedule, like what did you want to do today? Be more intentional with how you live. I think that is actually having more control over creating the life that you want, as opposed to responding to what, you know, reacting to what, sorry, you know, the world is telling you, you have to do.

And when you have mastery, you know what you really want in life. Like if someone, this is the, this is the craziest thing. I’ll ask women, what do you want?

And they’ll like freeze. Oh, I don’t know. They’ll say, well, I want the house.

I’m like, no, like, what do you really desire? And they don’t know because they’re goal checking and goal comes from the masculine, the mind. But the desire is like, well, I, I really want to be, you know, a ballerina.

I’m just thinking some things up or, you know, want to do something else. And they don’t allow themselves to feel into the truest desires of their, their soul because they’re disconnected from their emotions and the mastery of their emotions. So that’s the first thing I start working on with women.

You know, it’s like, what do you want? And not because what society tells you what you want, but really what is it that you truly desire? Because if it’s on your heart, there’s a reason, right?

And when women feed their desires, they make so much more money because it’s coming from a place of a connected state. Like when you’re, when you are feeling that, that, that connection to the outcome, like I wanted a G wagon and I knew I wanted one. And it wasn’t because before when I wanted things, it was just to make me feel validated.

But now I’m like, when I’m driving that car, I feel wealthy. It wasn’t for anybody else, but for myself. And when you start mastering your emotions, you start being able to create a different type of reality from just doing, doing, doing.

Because many times women are doing, and they’re getting burnt out. They’re exhausted. They’re like, why don’t I see the results that I want?

And it’s this shift that you make that actually opens up more wealth and opportunities. And just the joy of life. Like, I mean, I am so fulfilled in my life right now.

And I know that a lot of women, it’s like, what’s that thing missing? And it’s this.

I love everything you just said. And I can’t agree more, especially about goal setting. Because I mean, we all have goals, but your goals should be about you having fun in life.

It should be about you really designing it however you want it to be. And everything else is icing on the cake, right? That’s how you live a fulfilled life instead of just checking off the list.

Absolutely. And unfortunately, many women live by their lists. And they are tied to it.

I have a thing. I’m like, put three things down. You need to get done today.

Don’t put like 100 because you can always feel like you’re not achieving. And for me, being self-mastered is knowing what you’re convicted at. What do you love to do?

What do you stand by? And a lot of times people are afraid to say the things because they’re worried if they step outside of the lines and they do things that other people aren’t doing, they’re going to get some sort of heat from it. But honestly, we are so authentic, all of us.

If we just allowed ourselves to be in this mastered state, our emotions would dictate what we did in life. I know growing up and maybe I’ve been around for a lot, maybe longer than some of your listeners of my age wise, but women were always told that it was not okay to cry. I was called a crybaby when I was a little because I had so much emotions and it was looked upon as a bad thing.

But now that I realize that this is the thing that’s created so much wealth and opportunity in my life because I know how to identify my emotions. I’m not afraid to feel. I’m not afraid to fail.

I’m not afraid to do anything. I don’t have those emotions blocking me from becoming the most successful version of myself. There’s no self-sabotage there because I’m not worried about it.

There’s no income ceilings. There’s no, oh, I have to play small. I can’t be too much.

I have to watch what I’m doing because I’ve removed all of that by mastering myself through my emotions. And again, now I mastered money because money is such an emotional thing for many people. It’s not actually about money.

And a lot of us have three core wounds that we have. It’s abandonment, betrayal, and unworthiness. And for me, unworthiness drove me to my success.

I mean, we all felt not good enough. Even though we knew we were good, it still drove our success. But when you become mastered in yourself and your emotions, you no longer have to wear that mask.

It’s safe to fail. It’s safe to be vulnerable. It’s safe to do the things that you weren’t told.

Intimacy is a big thing for my clients because they don’t ever want to ask for help. So they don’t have great big support teams. They do everything themselves.

And I’m like, this is not how you’re going to make money or have the life. You can’t exchange time for money. We’ve got to learn how to let people in.

And it’s a hard thing for women when they’re in that place of not being mastered in their emotions.

And another word that came to mind when we say so much like self-control, self-sabotage, everything starts with the self. I think that’s what’s important to get through is you can depend on yourself. That’s who you truly can depend on.

And that’s why it’s important for you, the self, to have that self mastery instead of feeling the victim mentality or blaming someone else, you know, blaming your parents for what you were given, blaming your environment. Right. I think that comes up a lot for my clients as well.

They’re telling me what’s affecting their success. And I’m like, that’s not true. It’s about you.

Right.

Absolutely. As soon as I can rewire their victim mindset, and I have women who are eight figures a year that still have the victim mindset, and I have to work through that. Once we move through that scarcity or that old story and we find it and we can rewire it because you can’t attract more abundance and wealth and posterity and keep it because women can make the money, but they will go out the window.

I can see their abandonment wound comes up and it’ll come in and go out. They’ll have inconsistent cash months. They’ll be things where they’ll have a turnover in their team.

Things will just keep coming up where they’re like, I don’t know why this is happening. I mean, because we are the blueprint for our life and business. So whatever you’re doing, you’re dictating through everything around you, your business, your life, it’s you, right?

You’re determining it. So the more self-accountable, the less blame, which is, and you know, the craziest thing, sometimes women don’t even know they have the story. And I’ve got women who are making $100,000 a month and they’re like, I don’t know where the money’s going, you know?

And I’m like, let’s talk about it. And I find the story. I’m like, okay, tell me.

And it takes me like three or four questions and I get to it. And I’m like, all right, here it is. Here’s the story that you keep telling on a subconscious level every single day.

And you see the world through these lens. This is why this is happening, right? So it’s crazy.

And I love women who are listening to podcasts like this because they’re looking to improve themselves. They’re looking to betterment themselves instead of just staying in a place that’s not, you know, getting them the result. So, you know, cheers to you guys for doing that.

Yeah, absolutely. But I think on top of that, you actually, when you hear nuggets from our beautiful guests, implement them, you know, really come and reflect what can you do today differently? What’s one area of your life or business that you can improve from what you hear, right?

To better self mastery so that you can actually have it all.

Absolutely. I feel like journaling has been something that’s changed my life. I have a great journaling program too that I do.

But I mean, I feel like journaling is one of the things that, because I couldn’t BS myself anymore. It was like, all right, let’s get real right now. Let’s just, it’s just me, you and the pen.

You know, what are you actually feeling? What are you actually thinking? Because we think our thoughts are hidden.

We think that, you know, the emotions are hidden just because we’re not saying them out loud or we’re putting a name on them, but they’re there. And so if you can get real with yourself and find out where it is, I mean, that would be the first order of business. I have a thing that I do and I teach one of my programs and I say, keep a trigger journal every week, because if you can see how many times you get triggered, just write it down.

Don’t respond to the person. Just write down how many times you, someone has said something, someone did something, they could have cut you off. You’ll see where you’re not mastered because you’ll see how you’re wanting to react to that person as opposed to respond.

And then you go keep track of those things and see, is there a common theme? Is there a common theme among this? Like when that person says this, when this happens, I feel like this, you know, think about one of those core ones I mentioned, and then, then you can get to the bottom of things.

And I, and like I said, this is something that’s really important to find out because if you’re handing your power over to someone, especially a stranger all the time, you are not in an empowered place to be self-mastered, to be self-accountable, to have, because if it’s on the outside, then how can you get to the next level on the inside, right? If you feel like the power’s on the outside, but when you know everything, like you can change, you, you, you’re the reason you’re the problem and you’re the solution. That’s when you are going to get to a really self-mastered place, in my opinion, you know, like what would she, would she say, um, that gal, that, that pop singer, Taylor Swift, you know, I’m the problem.

And when you really, really recognize that you are the problem, that is like the first step to becoming self-mastered.

Yes. Connect to your truth. Be truthful to yourself, right?

Am I the problem? Because once you know yourself, you have a much sharper parameter for what feels good, what triggers you and what areas you need to improve. There’s always room for improvement, but that’s the fun of life, right?

Absolutely. It changed my life. It changed my life and it changes the lives of the women that I, I mentor.

And, and, you know, I feel like us women, we are so powerful. We can do so many great things when we tap into the root of our superpowers and our emotions. And the more that we can use them for good and not for us to be upset about things that literally don’t matter anymore from the past.

Like let’s, let’s go create amazing things in the world. And, and that’s why I say that we get to be unapologetically rich. You know, I want more women to become millionaires and multimillionaires because with money, we can do many things, you know, we can create, create major change in the world.

And the ripple effects to our daughters.

Ah, I’m telling you my children, when I see how mastered they are in their emotions, it doesn’t matter how much money I made. Because when I see that I’m like, that to me is success. Because I’ve ended generational trauma.

I’ve ended the way that we do things. They see the world from such a different place. They’re both in healthy relationships.

My daughter is 17. My son is 18. He just went off to college.

They know how to communicate to themselves. They also know that, you know, self-discipline waking up in the morning, the things that they have to do, it’s all the changes within them. And they no longer, you know, see the world if they did at a victim like that’s on the outside of me.

And that to me is the biggest thing when you do this work. And if you have children, you are going to affect them. And giving your kids money is one thing, you know, and teaching them how to make money.

But teaching your kids this, this is a game changer for their whole lives because they’re going to, they’re going to have fruitful relationships. They’re going to feel fulfilled. They’re not going to be waking up one day going, well, I did all the successful things.

Now what? You know, they’re going to be able to do it from a different place, which to me is that’s magic.

Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. Is there a favorite quote that you go by in life?

I might butcher it, but it’s people won’t remember what you tell them or what you say, but they’ll always remember how you made them feel. And to me, that is such a big thing. And I try to leave that with everyone that I meet that they know that even if it’s Uber driver, it’s how you, how you made them feel because people remember things on an emotion, not just what you say.

So that’s, that’s my favorite one.

Hmm. Yes, yes. All the yeses.

Well, thank you so much for being with us. Where can we find you?

Well, I would love you to find me on Instagram where you can get me. You can find me on YouTube as well. We’ve had a great channel there.

You can also go grab my book, unlocking the quantum woman. It’s on Amazon and it’s a great book. It’s got five star reviews and you can come listen to our podcast unapologetically rich.

It’s different than probably what Lucy does a little bit, but it’s also going to compliment the work that she teaches you guys. And I think it’s a great way to add more to you. And you can come join our quantum woman group on Facebook.

We’d love to have you.

Awesome. Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

In this episode, Lucy explains how positive self-talk can rewire our brains, creating new neural pathways that foster confidence and resilience. 

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Hi everybody! It’s such a joy to be here with you today. This episode is to share with you something that has the powerful ability to transform your life, your career, and your connections. It’s something straightforward but significantly impactful and that is the power of positive self-talk.

You see, we all have this little voice inside our heads. It’s constantly chattering, and the things it says can either lift us up or tear us down. This is exactly what self-talk is. Now, imagine if this voice was always telling you how amazing, capable, and remarkable you are. Imagine the confidence you’d feel walking into any room or taking on any challenge.

Unfortunately, for many of us, myself included, that little voice isn’t always so kind. It might remind us of our past failures or predict future failures. It might tell us we’re not good enough, not smart enough, or not deserving of success or we are not ready for better. And here’s the kicker: we believe it! We let that voice dictate our self-worth, our daily habits, our thoughts and emotions, our actions, and ultimately, our lives.

Negative self-talk is like a cloud that dims our potential. It drains our energy, diminishes our confidence, and stops us from reaching our goals. When we constantly criticize ourselves, we reinforce a narrative that keeps us small. Think about it: would you let a friend or a loved one speak to you the way you sometimes speak to yourself? I bet not!

But here’s the good news: just as we can be our own worst critics, we can also be our greatest cheerleaders. Studies have shown that positive self-talk can rewire our brains. Neuroscientists have discovered that our thoughts can create new neural pathways. 

This means the more we practice positive self-talk, the more it becomes a natural part of our thinking process. We start to build new habits, new behaviors, and yes, newfound confidence.

So, how do we harness this power of positive self-talk? Here are three strategies:

1. Awareness and Reflection: I probably say this about every topic I speak on, always start with awareness. First, become aware of your self-talk. Pay attention to what that little voice is saying. When you catch yourself in negative self-talk, pause and reflect. Ask yourself, “Is this thought true? Is it helpful?” Tell yourself: “oh there goes that negative self talk, gotcha!” Once you notice it, don’t react to it and stop letting it effect your feelings. 
2. Reframe and Replace: Next, reframe those negative thoughts into positive affirmations. Instead of saying, “I’m terrible at this,” try saying, “I’m learning, and I’m improving every day.” Replace “I can not do this” with “I will find a way to do this.”
3. Practice and Consistency: Finally, practice positive self-talk daily. Make it a habit. Start your day with affirmations. Write down three things you love about yourself every night. Surround yourself with positivity—whether it’s books, podcasts, or people.

Let me share a quick story with you. A few years ago, when I started this podcast, and I was terrified. My inner critic was in full force, telling me I wasn’t ready, that I’d make a fool of myself. That I was nobody. That I wasn’t THE Lucy Liu people are used to seeing on screen. But then I decided to try something different. I took a deep breath, looked in the mirror, and told myself, “You’ve got this. You are unique, and you are capable.” I repeated it over and over. And guess what? That simple shift in my mindset transformed my fear into excitement. And here I am, 4 years later, this podcast is still here to bring you weekly value to transform your life. 

Now, imagine what you could achieve if you made positive self-talk a daily practice. Imagine walking into every room, every opportunity, every challenge, knowing that you are enough, that you are capable, that you are worthy. Because you are! 

You ARE amazing!

You ARE remarkable!

You have superpower!

You are irreplaceable!

You are powerful!

You are everything that you dream to be!

So, I challenge you today to start speaking to yourself with kindness, encouragement, and belief. Rewrite your inner narrative to one that empowers you, builds you up, and boosts your confidence. Remember, the most important conversation you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Make it a powerful one. Thank you & I’ll see you in the next episode.