254. Infidelity & Affair Recovery with Lora Cheadle

And this episode is for you if you or someone around you is going through infidelity or an affair.

We are here to help you or your loved ones expedite the healing journey. And for that exact reason, I have with me my special guest expert today, Laura Cheadle. Laura is a betrayal and recovery coach, legal consultant, bestselling author, international speaker, TEDx speaker, and host of the podcast, Flaunt, Create a Life You Love After Infidelity or Betrayal.

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Welcome to the show, Laura. 

Yay, thank you so much for having me. I’m looking forward to our conversation.

Awesome. Let’s start with why do you think people cheat, even when they are in a happy relationship? Well, we see from the outside, right?

Yeah. And I’m so glad you put that qualifier on it.

Because actually, if you look at the statistics, most people do cheat in happy relationships. It’s such a misnomer that I was miserable, so I cheated. The real reason people cheat is because they’re trying to make themselves feel better inside, whether it’s a lack of validation, whether it’s a midlife crisis, whether a loved one has a cancer diagnosis, and they’re going through something difficult.

People cheat as a tool to try to make themselves feel better. It has nothing to do with the other person and everything about them.

So that sounds like a misconception, right? What are some of the other misconceptions you’ve seen about infidelity?

Yeah, there’s so many of those. One of the biggest misconceptions is once a cheater, always a cheater. Could be, but it’s like saying, once a smoker, always a smoker.

Can you quit? Yes. Once a drinker, always a drinker.

Can you quit? Yes. Like I said earlier, cheating is a tool that we use to try to make ourselves feel better.

And what most people find out when they cheat is it might make you feel better in a moment. It might give you that little sense of something that you need, but then you feel worse and you feel guilty and you feel ashamed. So once you start learning how to identify your emotions, how to ask for what you want, how to nurture and nourish yourself, maybe how to leave a relationship, then the quote need to cheat no longer exists.

And no, you will not be a cheater forever.

Good point. I believe change is possible. That’s where coaching comes in, right?

You mentioned leaving. So that’s a good question. So how should someone, how does a couple decide whether to rebuild their relationship or to leave?

Yeah.

That kind of dovetails into another misconception. Most people end up staying together after infidelity because the infidelity brings to the surface all of the issues that have not been dealt with in the past. And then it’s a catalyst to learn how to communicate, to learn how to advocate, to learn how to deepen the intimacy and create the relationship that they wanted.

So not that I recommend cheating to you, give your relationship a restart, but it’s one of those things that if both partners are committed to uncovering, to figuring the truth out, to listen, to see what was really going on, then they can come back together and create a really solid relationship. But if both partners aren’t interested, that’s when to walk away.

And this, this is why we see our friend going through an affair and they swear they’re going to get a divorce. And then the next time you talk to them, they’re happily back together. 

Yeah. And I know it’s so confusing, but it’s hard.

Deciding to upend your life is hard. Being blindsided by cheating, even if you choose to leave the relationship later, sometimes you need a year to just reground and figure out who am I, what do I want in a relationship? So yes, give people time, give people grace, let them make their own decisions.

So from a friend’s point of view, I would be very glad if they can work out their relationship to be stronger after infidelity. You talked about better communication or dealing with the problems that were just left behind, left on the back burner, right? So what is the first step someone should take after discovering infidelity in order to get there?

Yeah, great question.

The first step is to let yourself grieve, to let yourself feel the pain, whether it’s for you or your friend, let them cry, let them rage, think all the horrible things you want to think, say all the horrible things you want to say to a trusted friend or journal them out, but let your feelings flow. As strong women, as entrepreneurs, we are so used to being like, I’ve got this. I can lean in and I can fix this.

Yes, you can, but later, later you can fix it. Right now you need to cry. You need to wallow.

You need to be a mess on the floor because you’ve got to let those feelings come out first. The key though, is not staying there.

I love that. Yes, so much. Yes.

Give grace to this period. Give yourself grace and know that our emotions are valid. They are valid.

It’s just, this is temporary, right? 

Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. And when we deny our emotions, that’s when we create illness or dis-ease in the body.

That’s when mentally we start getting in conflict with ourselves and we ultimately make it worse for ourselves.

Yes. Yes. Like, just like you’re drowning in an ocean.

The more you fight it, the more you’re going to drown. So instead, just stay afloat by doing actually nothing. Right.

Yeah. Yeah.

Journal, grieve, rest, step back. And that’s so hard for us, isn’t it? Because we can do it all, all the time.

Stop. It’s just stop.

I think self-worth has a lot to do with recovery. And I think self-worth and confidence really is at the core, is playing the essential role of recovery. Would you agree with me?

Yes, absolutely. And something that I want to lean into that because yes, there is self-worth, but it’s also, and this is where I think your audience will really understand the most. We are used to doing, we are doers, we are achievers, and self-worth is not performing.

Self-worth is not doing. Self-worth is not how successful we are. Self-worth is how we can be with ourselves, how we can know our own worth, not tied to those external things that we do, but that internal sense.

And that’s hard. That’s really hard for anybody. But I think especially for high achievers to drop in and to own that sense of worth, but you’re right.

That’s where it all starts.

So for your clients, when they are going through difficult times, what are some of the practices and mindset shifts that you help them make in order to go through their healing journey faster?

The biggest one is my work is all encapsulated in the acronym FLAUNT. And I love the acronym FLAUNT because it’s expansive, it’s projecting, it’s owning, it’s being out there. And whenever we’re hurt, we crumble.

Whenever we’re afraid, we shrink. Whenever something goes bad, we hide. And the more we hide, the worse we feel about ourselves.

So my work is really focused on that expansion, that flaunting, not rubbing it in your face and huffing up and being more than you are. But if you’re in pain, be in pain. If you’re vulnerable, be vulnerable.

If you’re proud of yourself because of some amazing accomplishments, be proud. But it’s just flaunting all of you all the time because who you are is always more than enough. So put it out there.

And that’s what my work focuses on is how to be present, how to take up space when things are good, and how to take up space when things are really, really painful.

Beautifully said. Something I’ve taught my girl, myself, is to flaunt in the mirror to herself, like looking in the mirror and telling her how beautiful she is, how amazing she is. And I think it goes a long way when we flaunt ourselves.

I love that. I really love that. And you know, one of the things that I tell my people is we can’t expect other people to see in us what we can’t see in ourselves. And that practice is such a beautiful way of seeing in ourselves all those beautiful things that we want other people to see.

So I love that.

What are some other confidence boosters that you’ve taught your clients during the rebuilding process?

Yeah, one of the biggest confidence boosters is using music to move your body. I am a somatic attachment therapist, and we process through movement. And again, being smart women, we get up in our heads, and we figure things out, and we learn more information.

And we think, think, think, think, think. But we have to flow it in our bodies. And sometimes just having music on reminds us, oh, I can move my shoulders.

Oh, I can shake my hips a little bit. I even tell people, shake your hands. It sounds silly, but sitting there shaking your hands or kicking your feet, it increases the energy, which then increases your confidence.

It drops you out of your head and into your body. And it reminds you, I am a body and my body is strong. And that pumps up your level of confidence too, because look at me go, I can move and I can bring in joy through my body.

And I am me.

I love that so much. A couple episodes back, I did a topic on healing through dancing and where we talked about all you have to do is to dance across the floor from your bedroom to the kitchen. Even that will change your life.

Totally, totally, totally.

And it’s fun. Music is fun. Dancing is fun.

It’s got great benefits, but cut to the chase. It’s fun. Do what’s fun.

Okay. So of course, though, unfortunately there’s going to be trust that’s lost. So how do you help your clients rebuild trust after betrayals?

Yes.

Two points on that. First of all, it’s up to the other person to be trustworthy. It’s not up to you to start trusting them again.

It’s up to them to show up as trustworthy. It’s up to them to do what they say they’re going to do to speak their truth. It’s not up to you.

Second point on that though, is in order to learn how to trust others, whether it’s the person who betrayed you or anybody else, we have to learn to trust ourselves first. And that’s so hard to do. I talk about making unbroken promises to yourself.

How often do you break promises to yourself? All the time. How can you start showing up for yourself?

If you say you’re going to do something, how can you make sure that you do it? How can you start listening to your intuition instead of just your logic? How can you incorporate, you know, we talked about the body, the heart, the mind, the body.

How can you listen to yourself and trust yourself? It’s small steps. It’s a process, but when you do everything opens up and then yes, you can discern if other people are trustworthy or not.

Oh, I love that perspective. It’s the other person. It’s not you.

So never blame yourself, right? Never overthink for yourself. It’s not about you.

That is a great, great reminder.

I love that Laura and your opinion too. What, what do you think is true forgiveness or is that even possible?

Yeah, you know, I have a hard time with the word forgiveness. Just maybe it’s me. Maybe other people are like, no, I’m all in and that’s fine.

For me, the most powerful thing is acceptance. Unconditional acceptance. This happened.

This happened to me. This happened for me. This is what this other person thought, believed, did.

When you can truly accept everything that everybody did from a place of neutrality, not, yeah, I accept that that jerk did this to me, but from a place of, yeah, I accept it. It’s sad. It’s tragic, but I’m neutral about it.

To me, that’s the ultimate goal is ultimate, radical, neutral acceptance instead of forgiveness. To me, forgiveness implies a hierarchy that I’m somehow better than you and that I can now forgive you. And I, I don’t like that hierarchical thinking.

That’s another great mindset shift. Yes. I think it’s these little mindset shifts that add up together to a better tomorrow.

Yeah, absolutely. And you’re still right there. Little mindset shifts, but keep working with them.

And then suddenly you just start feeling free and start becoming free.

And it’s your decision. I mean, there’s no right or wrong answer here, right? Laura and I are here just to help you recover, but it’s after all, it’s your life.

You get to decide if you want to rebuild the relationship, make it stronger or, or it’s okay to walk away.

Yeah, absolutely. Do what you want to do. Trust yourself.

This is about that internal process. What does my head say? What does my gut say?

What does my heart say? Trusting yourself, not what does my neighbor think? And what does my sister think?

But what do I think?

So for those who’s decided they are going to walk away, can you give them some inspiration as to what their best steps are? 

Yes. First of all, if you’re going to walk away, don’t get caught in the belief that walking away is going to heal everything. When you walk away, you still have to heal the wound of betrayal. You have rights.

Advocate for yourself. Ask questions. See more than one attorney.

See more than one mediator. Ask questions. 

Don’t ever feel ashamed that I should know better.

You deserve a lot. You deserve to understand. Even if you don’t get what you hoped, understand why you’re not entitled to that under the law.

Ask questions. 

Your life will be better than you think on the other side.

Seek help. Yes, you are not alone.

Because so many people when I was practicing law, you hear, you connect with people, you understand the law because it’s your business. You see their eyes glazing over, but then they’re not asking you questions. So you can’t bridge that gap and help them understand.

So ask. Don’t be ashamed that you don’t know something. Just keep asking.

Beautifully said. Laura, in your days when you need a picker upper, is there a favorite quote that you go by in life?

It’s an Einstein quote. I don’t always get the exact quote right, but it’s like the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And why I love that and why I go back to it is so often I realize I’m on autopilot.

And why am I doing the same thing and expecting a different result? Whether it’s in a relationship, in business, in a friendship, do something differently.

I love that. Thank you so much for sharing. So for someone who needs more help or want to check out your work, where can they go?

My website, laurachetal.com. And my name, Laura, is L-O-R-A, not the traditional spelling of Lora.

Thank you so much. And I’ll be linked in the show notes. 

Thank you.